It isn’t often that I let myself go there. Back to those days. The days of wanting and wishing and praying. The days of watching friends pass you by on that journey. I have always been a firm believer in work hard, word different and eventually it will come. Infertility doesn’t work that way. Infertility hits and leaves a hole in your heart and it never goes away.
I can now think back on those days…but they weren’t really days, they were years-5 years. I can think back and remember fighting and hurting. I felt broken. My body was failing me and no matter what I did I couldn’t fix it. I wasn’t alone either-my husband was there. His heart was broken as well, but I was the one, the one poked and prodded. The one with life in my body, the one with it gone. Can they ever really know?
The days turned into years and into more drugs and more money. You see in many states fertility doesn’t have to be covered at all and ours wasn’t. I quit my job to make appointments and watched our savings dwindle. Just on hope.
I will never forget the words of my friends and family also hurting as they walked with us. Because there is nothing, not one thing they can say to make it better.
Then one day after five years it happened. After four losses, I was pregnant again. To those of us in this battle pregnancy, while it’s something we yearn for we are scared of it too. You see we’ve seen that line, we’ve heard that beat and we have watched it slip away. I held my breath. We sacrificed everything. Our marriage, our money. I actually moved out of state for the procedures, got a job, went to everything without him. We were in a fight you see. The see that face and hold our child. So I held my breath. We lost the twin immediately and my fears came to surface. And then, when I thought it could never be-she came.
My rainbow-our rainbow after our storms she came. She knew me, she had waited. I looked into her eyes and knew I had been fighting for her. I was never alone HE was with me. HE had not forsaken me. HE was the whisper saying keep going. And she came.
I have never forgotten my children, not a single one. I named them, I pray for them. I was honored to be the vessel which carried their souls straight to the promise.
If you’re reading this because you too are there-have hope, keep going. Your journey will end. It might not be the way you thought but it will. Chin up, one foot in front of the other. Your rainbow is coming. It may be through you, or through another woman but it is coming.
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