Infertility |

Southern Belle Blogger:The Rainbow at the End of Our Storm

March 4, 2016 By Callie Leave a Comment

It isn’t often that I let myself go there. Back to those days. The days of wanting and wishing and praying. The days of watching friends pass you by on that journey. I have always been a firm believer in work hard, word different and eventually it will come. Infertility doesn’t work that way. Infertility hits and leaves a hole in your heart and it never goes away.

I can now think back on those days…but they weren’t really days, they were years-5 years. I can think back and remember fighting and hurting. I felt broken. My body was failing me and no matter what I did I couldn’t fix it. I wasn’t alone either-my husband was there. His heart was broken as well, but I was the one, the one poked and prodded. The one with life in my body, the one with it gone. Can they ever really know?

The days turned into years and into more drugs and more money. You see in many states fertility doesn’t have to be covered at all and ours wasn’t. I quit my job to make appointments and watched our savings dwindle. Just on hope.

I will never forget the words of my friends and family also hurting as they walked with us. Because there is nothing, not one thing they can say to make it better.

Then one day after five years it happened. After four losses, I was pregnant again. To those of us in this battle pregnancy, while it’s something we yearn for we are scared of it too. You see we’ve seen that line, we’ve heard that beat and we have watched it slip away. I held my breath. We sacrificed everything. Our marriage, our money. I actually moved out of state for the procedures, got a job, went to everything without him. We were in a fight you see. The see that face and hold our child. So I held my breath. We lost the twin immediately and my fears came to surface. And then, when I thought it could never be-she came.

My rainbow-our rainbow after our storms she came. She knew me, she had waited. I looked into her eyes and knew I had been fighting for her. I was never alone HE was with me. HE had not forsaken me. HE was the whisper saying keep going. And she came.

I have never forgotten my children, not a single one. I named them, I pray for them. I was honored to be the vessel which carried their souls straight to the promise.

If you’re reading this because you too are there-have hope, keep going. Your journey will end. It might not be the way you thought but it will. Chin up, one foot in front of the other. Your rainbow is coming. It may be through you, or through another woman but it is coming.

Surviving Infertility

May 29, 2015 By Callie Leave a Comment

Hello my name is Callie and I am an infertility survivor. I remember when I was a little girl…maybe ten talking to my Aunt Donna in her kitchen. All I ever wanted was children. I mean I was dead set on being a Kindergarten teacher, and I was. I remember looking at her and saying out loud my biggest fear in life was to not be able to have children.

Infertility hit me. I knew it was there all along. In my first marriage before we even tried I remember asking the doctor. I was 25. Could I have a fertility problem? No she said-your cycles are regular, you have no signs. It hit me. We tried for a year and nothing. Then he came home and said he didn’t want children…it was over.

I moved on and grew and fell in love. I married and amazingly got pregnant just like that…not even trying. Then it hit me. I bled, I miscarried. Two months later I was pregnant again. It hit me. Two days later I miscarried. My doctor told me it was bad luck. I didn’t need a specialist. Not until I miscarried again. I left and never came back.

I started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, I took pills, and did tests, and nothing came up. I did IUI’s and got pregnant and miscarried. It hit me over and over again.

Four years in we got pregnant again….and there was a heartbeat, and I held my breath, but the heartbeat was still there. I held my breath. We went to our regular doctor. Let’s do an ultrasound she said, there’s your baby she said, and then silence. Our baby had died. It hit me.

My doctor told me in the next consultation that I would never have a child of my own. I shouldn’t even try IVF. In that moment I died. My whole life fell to pieces. I was broken and alone,even though he was right beside me, and even though HE was right beside me.

My life changed in that moment. In all of those moments. Infertility changes you-forever. Those around you too. People are silent,they don’t know what to say and worse they don’t want it to happen to them.

I prayed, I followed, I listened, I believed, I sacrificed,I trusted. That alone did not get her here. I fought-we fought-he encouraged and agreed and was willing-my love and partner.

People ask me,”How can you keep going”? I say what choice do I have?

Through it all she is here, my child, our child.

I have often been asked how can you believe with everything you have been through. The loss, the IUI’s, the IVF’s failed time and time again. If your God was real He wouldn’t let this happen. I look at our Row and think my body was broken. She wasn’t meant to be, yet she is here. My eyes looking into my eyes. There is my God.

You never get over infertility. It changes you. I pray that no one has to struggle the way we did and do. My heart still yearns for more children. I pray that my struggle may help others. That my diagnosis and treatment will help those to follow. That the children I lost were ushered into Heaven through my sacrifice and pain. That my body and heart was strong enough to be their vessel. It was the greatest gift I could give.

If you’re struggling my heart and hope is with you. Keep fighting. If you know someone struggling be there, it’s okay to say I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry. Silence is so painful.

You can survive. You may not know where your journey ends. It may not be the way you hoped or planned. One way it will end though. My heart is with you.

Toddler Time-Tub Painting

November 19, 2014 By Callie Leave a Comment

You know what the easiest, cleanest way for a toddler to use finger paints involves? The tub! What an idea….I mean after they paint it’s basically an all over the place ordeal and tubby time is a necessity. Why not save yourself the trip and the headache by painting in the tub…what’s that you say? Make it edible-done!

Our week has started off with a bang. This week in Ibloom we talked about friendships. We talked about friendships that come in and out of your life and the wonderful purpose of each. I have been so blessed with so many friends throughout my life. People who have shown up when I needed them even after years of being apart. There have also been times when I felt I didn’t have a friend in the world. Infertility can sometimes push people away. Women are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or worse of the same thing happening to them. It is for that very reason….the loneliness that I chose to speak out about our infertility struggle from then on. So that you may feel not alone.

On that blessed day that my Row entered our lives I then began to pray for a special friendship. One for Row and I. A friend for her and a Mama friend for me….and boy did He provide abundantly. Today we had some bestie time playing as all toddlers do side by side but not really interacting. Which by the way is called parallel play and is totally developmental. It’s so wonderful seeing them greet each other and “talk”.

We planned our upcoming Toddler Christmas Party-you knew that was coming right? I immediately began a shopping list in my head of Christmas cookies for our cookie exchange-eek. I’m ready to Christmasfy this place!

Onto tubby time. I’m a play advocate! That’s right I believe in learning through play. You’ll hear me time and time again. I try to do one new fun activity a week. You heard the right ONE. I don’t want to introduce too much to overstimulate and I want her life to be fun. I found this super cute and EASY idea for sensory play in the tub.

Supplies-vanilla pudding and food coloring.

Mix the food coloring in the pudding and plop it in the tub. It’s so great because it’s edible too. I initially started with one color-we talked about the color and texture and then onto free play. This was a great sensory activity! We played right before our actual bath time. As you can see she had a blast. A word of warning. If your child is a splasher, thrower, slinger….I would go ahead and remove some items like say the bathmat, hanging towels,etc… Row had a blast and slung it everywhere! I mean behind the toilet everywhere. It was totally worth it though. It was also really easy to clean and didn’t stain anything. Not bath mat, not tub, not even walls. Once she was done I just started up the water, scrubbed a bit with the washcloth and spot cleaned as needed. We will definitely repeat this one!

I hope you’re having a great week! Do you have any great toddler friendly art activities?

Oh and I almost forgot these amazing things came in the mail today. I heart Livie and Luca shoes and these are gray suede with gray sparkles-love! The picture does them no justice.

What’s Row wearing? Matilda Jane Sugar and Spice Knot Top and Matilda Jane yellow chevron puffer